Smile: it makes people wonder what you've been up to.

My idea of 'roughing it' is using dial-up when the cable modem goes down.

It’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.

I don’t need a life. I have DSL.

Someone come quickly, this place was built for moving out.

Nothing hurts more than realising he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

I used to have schizophrenia, but we’re okay now!

I’m sorry, did you say something? I was busy being hot.

There is a separate circle of hell for those who only love themselves.

Religion is just a cult gone mainstream.

I was an atheist until I realised I was god.

A paper should be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover everything. But short enough to keep things interesting.

A wise man once said... go ask a woman.

If at first you don’t succeed... so much for skydiving.

Just because you try to kill someone, doesn’t mean you don’t love them. -Ice-cream ad on Aussie TV mocking a soap opera

Being a teen idol is what I've waited for my whole life. -Sarah Michelle Gellar

Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning. -Bill Gates

Why do they ruin perfectly good stickers by putting apples on them? -Andrew, my brother

Here’s a joke. There are these two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, ‘hey look, we’re in an oven!’ and the other muffin replies, ‘oh my god, a talking muffin!’ -An LJ icon

*Sneeze* Sorry, I'm allergic to bad television. *Sneeze* -Andrew, my brother

Your time will come, little chicken. -Me, to a friend who keeps losing MSN games

I hate math.
Well, I'm pretty sure math doesn't like you, either. -Hils and I

Benefit of having a boyfriend #153: someone to reach things on the top shelf. -Me, to a friend

I once put two and two together, but sadly only ended up with three. -Me

This not only makes my ears bleed, it gets my eyes as well. It’s like killing two birds with one large, tone-deaf stone. –Me

There’s no ‘u’ in ‘us.’ Oh, wait. Crap. -Laura, my sister

There are two types of people in this world: those who like me and those who can get fucked. -Amber

That wasn’t a question. And if it was, it was rhetorical. –Me

That wasn’t rhetorical.
Yeah, but it was annoying. –Me and Andrew